


burnt feathers, melted wax

by fishingrods



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Canon Compliant, Character Study, Haikyuu!! Manga Spoilers, Longing, M/M, Pining, Post-Canon, Pretentious Writing, References to Ancient Greek Religion & Lore, Slice of Life, Slow Burn, akaashi is poetic and in love, atsuhina if you squint hard enough, sun imagery cuz author is a fool, they adopt a flower, this fic took half of my lifespan, tons of metaphors
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-05
Updated: 2020-04-05
Packaged: 2021-03-01 00:55:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,760
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23476558
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fishingrods/pseuds/fishingrods
Summary: "When you get too close to the sun, you burn.""Well," Atsumu professes, "Isn't that the side effect of love?"orAkaashi discovers a star called sun and it takes him around 8 years, 2 persuaders and 1 falling event to reach it.
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou
Comments: 8
Kudos: 69





	burnt feathers, melted wax

**Author's Note:**

> i thrive for sun imagery and the story of icarus and the sun. if you don't like metaphors, do not proceed.  
> !!!happy bokuaka day! also this fic is kinda rushed im sorry!!!
> 
> tumblr : fishing-rods  
> twitter : dazaified

Some people are born with something special in them. Some aren't. They simply gain it through hard work and sheer dedication.

Akaashi isn't sure which category Bokuto falls in, but he can't find himself enough energy to care.

He is what everyone looks up to, what everyone wishes to become.

Akaashi can see it in their awed expressions whenever Bokuto takes a flight and spikes the ball to the ground as if it's the easiest thing he has ever done.

Their lightened faces whenever he enters the room with a smile on his face.

Those cheers that never fails to make Bokuto grins happily as he scores another mark for the team.

Bokuto is the brightest star ever, and everyone is drawn to him.

It doesn't matter whether god bestowed him with this gift or he clawed his way to obtain it.

None of them changes the fact that he is a star, and Akaashi is hopelessly in love with him.

Bokuto drips in honey and golden dust. His smile is bright like the sunlight that he sees first thing in the morning.

It enters his window, directly shines onto his face and never fails to make him let out an irritated groan.

Except Bokuto makes him seek for it; challenges him to control himself from doing anything that's remotely out of his character, like staring at him for too long to the point where someone will notice something is up.

Akaashi knows he is failing. No matter how hard he tries to control himself, the grey haired boy with golden eyes will always taunt him to come closer, to spread his wings and soar through the sky to reach the star called sun. And he finds himself wanting to be in Helios' embrace, because Akaashi is a fool, and the sun is nothing like him.

The sun is nothing like what he has ever seen, and Akaashi finds himself wanting to touch it.

"The sun is a star?"

"Bokuto-san, do you really don't know?" Komi asks him disbelievingly.

Bokuto looks up at the ceiling. It's what he always does whenever he tries to think of something. "I don't think I've heard that before"

"You've learned that already."

The wing spiker scratches his head. "I really don't remember for some reason. Wait, does that mean the sun is the largest star?"

"No," Akaashi chides in. "There are bigger stars out there. Sun only looks big because it's the closest star in our solar system."

"But isn't it millions of kilometers away from Earth?"

"Yeah, and it's the closest star." Akaashi takes three consecutive gulps from his water bottle. "It's the closest a star will ever get."

"It's the closest star." Bokuto repeats, and Akaashi nods, even though he knows it's not a question.

"Whoa," Bokuto looks up in the sky and stares at the sun. "Even the closest star is still so far away."

Suddenly, it made sense to Akaashi.

Akaashi doesn't remember a lot.

The only thing he remembers is that when he first looked at the grey haired boy, he was sure the wing spiker is a star. He is the twinkling star in the darkest night. No other source of light is there. Not other stars, not even the moon. It was just Bokuto, and although it seemed like a measly common star, Akaashi wanted to know how he looked like up close.

Looking him from far away at that time made him looked unattainable. He was the farthest star ever, and Akaashi finds himself wanting to reach for it. It wasn't like him at all to wish for the impossible.

Now that Akaashi is possibly the closest he'll ever get to Bokuto, it makes him feel weird. Deep down, he thought his eyes were playing tricks on him when they first met. That Akaashi was just looking at Bokuto through golden glass.

Turns out, Bokuto is really the gold himself.

Akaashi feels like a miner that discovered a mine filled with treasure. It was as if luck was by his side, but Akaashi knows that's not the case. Falling in love is like falling from the sky with burnt wings. Feathers scattering in the sky with melted wax dripping as he falls, he knows salvation is too late. All he can do right now is let the gravity pulls him down into the ocean and drown pitifully like a bird that has forgotten how to fly. And the suffering doesn't end there. Absolutely not. The wave will swallow him down into the darkest depth of the ocean. His instinct will tell him to panic, but he knows there is no point in fighting it. Poseidon sees everything. He witnesses the pitiful event with his own eyes and he will not forgive. No gods will. Cold water will enter his lungs and all he can think about is gold, gold, gold. 

He finds himself wondering how Icarus felt when he fell.

"Don't touch my food, you dumbass!" Kuroo swats Bokuto's hand away.

The grey haired boy pouts. "Just a bite, please."

"Your 'just a bite' is so big, the word 'just' weeps because of how useless it is in the sentence."

Bokuto turns his attention to Akaashi and gives him puppy eyes.

He tries not to show that he is bothered. "You ate your burger already."

"It's not enough." He whines. He reaches for the remote and turns on the television. "Oh god, why is there no interesting shows?"

"Watch Netflix." Kenma says. Bokuto obliges and his eyes shine in excitement when he sees Friends.

"Bokuto-san, you've watched that show hundreds of times already." Bokuto grins and retorts, "That's where you're wrong. I've watched that show for 33 times."

Kuroo looks at him disbelievingly. "Seriously, bro? That show has 10 seasons, right?"

"You say that like it's a lot."

"It is," Akaashi says, "And no, don't watch that show. I'm sick of it."

Bokuto gasps. "Kuroo, you like this show, right? Last time we watched it, you said it was funny."

"It's funny, but I kinda wanna watch something else."

Bokuto gasps louder. "Kenma, what about you? You don't mind right?!"

Kenma's eyes doesn't leave his Nintendo Switch screen, showing his disinterest in the argument.

"Bro," Kuroo puts a hand on Bokuto's shoulder, "You lose."

He let out a shriek and swats Kuroo's hand. "Don't touch me, you traitor."

Akaashi sighs. "Bokuto-san, do you want this burger?"

He watches as Bokuto's gloomy expression turns bright, and he thinks he'll seriously go insane. "Really?"

Akaashi nods. Bokuto grins, "Akaashi is my one and only friend!"

They end up watching a horror movie that Kuroo persistently say is good. They stop watching it though after they notice Kenma looks like he is on the verge of passing out. Kuroo keeps on apologising to Kenma, but he seems pretty out of it to even care. Eventually, they both decide to go back.

Akaashi turns to Bokuto. "So, are you going home, too?"

He yawns. "I guess so. It's pretty late already."

"Okay."

Bokuto smiles, and he thinks the older looks beautiful under the moonlight. "See you next week, Akaashi."

He smiles back. "You too." He goes back inside his house once his back can no longer be seen.

Akaashi tries to fall asleep that night, but is soon woken up by his own stomach rumbling. He cooks canned crab at 2 am and eat it while thinking about the half eaten korokke burger that could've end up in his stomach. But the image of Bokuto's golden eyes sparkling in adoration makes him think that it's worth it.

Akaashi prides himself for being logical. He isn't driven by his own emotion, and does things that are right. He isn't clueless, nor he is naive. The knowledge and maturity he holds is possibly the size of a mountain compared to his peers. He is in control of himself and therefore he has enough reasons to believe the unpredictable and never ending changes in the environment will not break him down. To be in control of one's self will result in a peace of mind.

But when he hears the ace says his name, his name drips in a beautiful shade of gunmetal blue and no logical thoughts can enter his mind.

The older's pronunciation is incorrect, and yet his heart chooses to ignore it. Akaashi spends his 2 years falling for him every time he says his name, and he is sure if this goes on, he will not survive this fall.

He spends his lifetime building an empire on the sand, only for it to collapse by a wave from the ocean. And he used to despise it, but the poison is starting to kick in. Now all Akaashi can think about is those milky skin and golden eyes. He was born to be the living example of the sun and nothing can change Akaashi's mind.

They say love is poison, but Akaashi is starting to think that Bokuto is the poison himself.

"So," Kenma puts down his gaming console and looks at Akaashi. "The third years will graduate in a month."

He is surprised when Kenma decide to start a conversation, but he doesn't show it. "Yeah."

"Have you told him yet?"

Akaashi blinks. "Who?"

Kenma doesn't say anything, and that's all he needs. "Oh. You knew?"

"You're good at keeping things together, but not enough for me to not notice."

Akaashi gulps. "Does.. Did you tell anyone?"

"No. I have no reason to." Normally, Akaashi will be skeptical. Even threatened. The feeling of someone knowing his deepest, darkest truth is incomparable to anything. But it's Kenma. He is harmless enough for Akaashi to let it slide.

"I will never tell him."

"Why? What's there to lose?" Akaashi keeps quiet, because he knows that deep down, Kenma already knows the answer.

Kenma continues, "He won't judge, you know." He knows that. Bokuto is too kind to care about things like that. But Akaashi isn't.

"You know," Akaashi plays with his fingers. "Bokuto is so bright. Not only personality wise, but it's like he exists just to be bright. The world was ordinary before I met him and now, I am living the best life ever. And sometimes I wonder, how could this be sinful? He is the most wonderful star ever and I just... want him."

"well... sometimes the things that seem right is usually wrong."

"Are you saying I'm wrong?" There is no malice or offensive tone in his voice. He just wants to know. He just wants something, someone to tell him.

Kenma smiles. "Follow your heart. It doesn't exist for you to ignore it."

The sentence continues to follow him until he fall asleep. When he wakes up and finds himself dreaming for those golden eyes again, droplets of tears fall from his eyes.

Bokuto is the sun, and he will not survive this fall.

_You knew this will happen, Keiji. You knew._

Akaashi doesn't know what to feel when the third years are all gathering around and starts to give their speech. He doesn't feel anything, not even when it's the captain's turn. Some people are crying, but not Akaashi. It still feels so unreal. To think that 2 years passes by so fast.

He is not sad, not even when he's walking home with Bokuto. The occasional banters they have and the smile on the older's face makes it feel like it's just another normal day. When they finally arrive to the road that leads to Bokuto's house, they say goodbye to each other. "Hey, Akaashi. Take care of the club."

"You know I will." Akaashi reassures him. Bokuto pats his back and smiles, and he is sure he has never seen that kind of smile on his face before. "Take care."

Bokuto walks away from him, but stop once he hears his name coming out of the latter's mouth.

"Bokuto-san." Akaashi inhales. _The world isn't ours to have. We are the protagonists of the world, but others are too. We are all equal, therefore calling a person special means calling everyone else special. But I think... No. I'm sure that no one is like you. You are the sun. You are the closest star ever, but I'm still so far away from you. And now, you are going to go far, far away and my life will never be the same again. You are not mine to have, but you are different that anyone I've ever met, and I think that fact alone consoles me._

He bows, "Thank you for being my senior. I'll never forget everything you've done."

He stays in the position until he hears a strained laughted coming from the older. "Oh god, Akaashi... Give me a break will you?"

Tears fall from his eyes, making Akaashi's eyes widen in shock. "Bokuto-san —" Bokuto shakes his head and wipes his tears away, only for it to start flowing again. "Ahaha... Why am I crying? I'm so sorry..."

Akaashi doesn't budge from his spot. He stands there like a fool, staring at Bokuto who keeps on trying to dry his eyes, only for it to keep on flowing. Those silent tears slowly turns to loud sobbing, and some of it even falls to the floor.

Bokuto covers his face like a child. "I'm sorry... I'm so sorry." Sorry for what? Akaashi wants to ask him, but somehow, he feels like he'll regret it. He doesn't know why, but Bokuto is crying, and the world feels so foreign at the moment.

It takes him a moment to realise that he won't see Bokuto at school next year. his voice will no longer echo in the court. No more a pat on his shoulder from the grey haired boy. Akaashi will stand in the court without him. Life will soon be ordinary again, and he will be damned. He realises that he is crying too when he feels an uncomfortable stickiness on his skin. 

They both just stand there and cry their heart out. Communication is futile. The world isn't theirs too have, but at that moment, it feels like they're the only person in the universe.

He isn't sure how long is it, but by the time they both has stop crying, Akaashi checks his phone and realises he has received 15 missed calls from his mother.

Bokuto laughs. "Who'd have thought the crying session would happen, huh?" No one, Akaashi whispers in his heart. "I'm really sorry, though. It feels like you were crying because you saw me cry."

Akaashi shakes his head. "That's not true." He's sure he'll break into tears once he arrives at home. Bokuto is just speeding the process, that's all.

"Whatever you say, Akaashi." Bokuto waves his goodbye and turns his back when Akaashi waves back.

When he arrives home, the first thing he does is lock him room and stares at Bokuto's phone number. his thumb hovers over the call button a few times, deciding whether he wants to call the older or not. He decides to wait instead because Bokuto will always call him.

He doesn't receive any call, not even a message for the night.

It takes exactly a week and 4 days for Akaashi to be the one who calls first.

"Hello?"

"You didn't call me."

A string of laughter is heard from the line. "Did you miss me?" Bokuto asks teasingly.

"No. I simply enjoy the routine."

"Okay~" Akaashi can see his grin from his voice. "So, what thoughts are you having right now?"

Akaashi stays silent for a moment and replies, "Have you heard the story of Icarus and the Sun?"

Akaashi waits for an answer, but decide speaks up once he realises the line is awfully silent. "Bokuto-san, are you googling it right now?"

"No. I'm - I'm fapping right now."

"Of course you are." Akaashi pushes the thought away. _You can fantasize it later, geez._ "So, what do you think of the story?"

"Hmm... It's interesting, I guess? It tells you to never dream of the impossible because you'll just hurt yourself when you don't achieve it."

Akaashi's eyebrow jerks. "Do you agree with that message?"

"Nah. You can never dream too big!"

"I knew that's what you were going to say."

"Hehe. So, why do you wanna talk about the story?"

"Some people classify it as forbidden love. Icarus is in love with the sun, Helios, but theyre not allowed to be together. But icarus disobeyed, and in turn he ends up wingless and drowns in the sea." Akaashi plays with his fingers, thinking of his next sentence. "Do you think forbidden love is worth it?"

Bokuto doesn't say anything. It takes him exactly 5 minutes (yes, Akaashi counted) to reply. "It's love, so it doesn't matter, right?"

"You say that like love is everything."

"No no. I'm saying love is pure. The world exist out of love, and will continue to exist for a long time because of it. Of course, if apocalypse doesn't happen." Bokuto takes a deep breathe, and continues. "Love is all about following your heart. It's the purest thing ever, and nothing could be forbidden about it."

"What about..." Akaashi's throat feels dry. "Never mind."

Bokuto whines. "Tell meeee."

"It's nothing. It's not important. I'll go to sleep now."

"Oh. Good night!"

The world will never be the same again, but Bokuto is alive. Bokuto is so, miraculously alive, and Akaashi finds himself falling asleep peacefully at the thought alone.

Akaashi spends exactly 5 years living in this round planet called earth without meeting Bokuto. He fell into the sea, he tragically did, and now he is wingless.

He survived the fall, but now he is nothing but a wingless mortal. It takes him around 2 and a half year of Bokuto's absence to realise that he should've worried about being burned instead of falling. 

The world is ordinary, and Akaashi doesn't have enough energy to care. He is too busy with his work and Bokuto is too busy being a professional volleyball player. In the end, life is uncontrollable.

Slowly, he starts to stop thinking about Bokuto. Occasionally, he'll pop up inside his mind, but Akaashi brushes it off with a hefty amount of work. It's easier with the absence of him.

Bokuto is no longer the sun, and Akaashi is no longer Icarus. They're both just two normal men, trying to survive in this world.

The world is ordinary, until he hears a knock on the door. He opens the door and the towel on his shoulder falls when he sees the grey haired boy- no, man - with black streaks on his hair and those bright golden eyes that used to haunt him daydream is now in front of him.

"Akaashi, you wear glasses?"

He doesn't know falling in love with someone is instant until he hears those words, those voice. And all of the sudden, the wings that was once teared apart by the very man in front of him appears once again. If Akaashi doesn't know better, he will think it exists solely to burn.

Bokuto is the closest star ever, and Akaashi is once again dreaming of those golden liquid to engulf his wings and tear him apart.

"You don't have a house?"

"it's not that I don't have a house--" Bokuto scratches his head. "I have... roommates? except they own the place and I'm paying them for letting me stay there and they cook me stuff."

Akaashi nods, encouraging him to continue. "Last month, they took in their cousin? Or is it nephew.... and then we just start to live together." his explanation is cut off by a loud rumble coming from his own stomach. 

Akaashi doesn't know why, but knowing that he is still the same man he was somehow calms him down. "Do you want onigiri?" He stands up and searches for it in the kitchen when the latter nods vigorously.

"Last week, they told me they don't think having 5 people living in their house is comfy. Which is not true in my opinion, because I know a family that has way more than that number and they live in a same house too."

Bokuto continues, "So, they want to get rid of me as soon as possible." Bokuto lets out huff. "I think I'll just stay here for awhile and then go to Tsum-Tsum's house as soon as he comes back from Honshu."

"You can just live here until you find a perfect place, you know." Akaashi opens his fridge and mutters "oh, found it." when he sees the Miya Onigiri that he really likes.

Bokuto looks at him disbelievingly. "I can?"

"Sure." Akaashi closes his fridge and gives it to Bokuto. "But you're paying rent and the bills too."

"That's not a problem! Can we order a pizza?" Bokuto asks like a spoiled child.

"What do you want?"

"Anything without pineapples on top." Akaashi knows that. He doesn't know if remembering it makes him a good friend or just plainly creepy.

After they eat their dinner, Akaashi prepares a futon for Bokuto. He sleeps as soon as his head hits the pillow, and Akaashi can't say the same for himself. He spends a good 30 minutes of staring at the dark corner of his ceiling before he finally falls asleep.

He learns two things from those 4 months of living together. Firstly, when the lights in the living room are turned on, it doesn't mean that there's a burglar. Bokuto just forgets to brush his teeth before he goes into bed.

He said that last time he forgot to do it, Sakusa glared at him throughout the entire day. He implied that Sakusa is a psychic at this kind of stuff, which Akaashi thought was bullshit, but he didn't want to argue.

Secondly, Atsumu always barges into his (their) house wihout permission. Not that Akaashi minds, he is only there for Bokuto. He did notice a weird aura coming from him when Bokuto mentioned that Akaashi used to be his teammate and was a setter like Atsumu too. He was sure that he wouldn't have any direct conversation with the man though, so he tried to not think of it that much.

One day, Bokuto forgets to buy a soy sauce, which leads to him running to the nearest convenience store, leaving Akaashi and Atsumu in a same house.

Akaashi curses in his head while glancing at the clock on the wall every now and then.

Atsumu decides to break the silence. "Hey, Keiji-kun. Why did you become a setter?"

Now, that is an unpredictable question. "Why are you asking me that question?"

He shrugs. "I'm just curious. Plus, you seem like someone who chooses to do something with a constructed reason, not just out of whim."

"Oh." Akaashi taps the table with his index finger a few times, and then stops when he knows what to say. "I guess.... I like to be the one in control."

"Ohoh? Interesting. That's not what I was expecting."

"We can't control a lot of things in life. So I try to control the one I can. It keeps me calm." Akaashi sips his tea. "When you're the one who is in charge, you won't feel overwhelmed because you decide everything. The court is your empire, and the other players are all playing according to your plan."

Atsumu's eyebrow jerks. "So, you're saying all of the victories your team achieved is all thanks to you?"

"No." Akaashi smiles. "Plans don't work if the players are weak."

Both of them doesn't say else anything until Bokuto comes back from convenience store. "Here's the soy sauce!"

Atsumu glares at him. "What took you so long?"

Bokuto laughs. "Time is just an illusion." There he is again with his weird logic. He remembers when they were hanging out during recess in high school, Bokuto spotted a lot of birds at the hallway and then said that they were drones made by principal to keep an eye of the students.

He had tried to tell the older that it's not true, but Konoha stopped him because he thought it'd be funny if Bokuto told everyone in his class about it. And it was funny, surprisingly.

Atsumu looks at the clock and curses when he realises it's 7 pm already. "Time may be an illusion, but it's not for 'Samu so...gotta blast!"

He stops at the doorstep and turns to Akaashi. Atsumu grins and says, "Let's have a match someday."

Akaashi knows that is a threat. But right now, at this very moment, he has enough reason to conclude that he is one step closer to becoming his friend. And if this is what God wishes them to be, who is Akaashi to complain? "Sure, someday."

The Earth takes about 365 days to orbit the sun. In those 365 days, a lot of things happened. He lived an ordinary life, and it ended when he opened his door to a knock and discovered that the sun crashed in front of his doorstep.

He wasn't on fire, nothing was. But the wings that were forgotten for 1095 days had once again unleashed itself at the sight of those golden fire that seemed awfully calm.

The world was unpredictable, and it still is.

"Hinata is going to play in your team?"

"Yes!" Bokuto dramatically stands on his chair and raise his right hand in the air. "This is going to be the start of an era!" Sakusa glares at him. "Ugh. Chairs are meant to be sat on, you monkey." Bokuto doesn't sit down, making Sakusa sighs annoyedly. 

Atsumu giggles. "Shouyou-kun..... I'm gonna meet him again soon....."

Akaashi points at the man and looks at Bokuto. "what's with him?"

"He's excited about playing with Hinata. My disciple has a lot of fans!" Bokuto proudly claims.

"7 years." Atsumu slouches on the sofa and murmurs. "I waited for 7 year. And now my promise will finally come true."

"What promise?"

Atsumu laughs evilly. "Does it matter? I win. Tobio-kun will never be able to hear the end of this."

"Oh right the Adlers!" Bokuto jumps from the chair and then screams what Akaashi thinks is his battle cry, as weird as it sounds. "We will defeat them! I will defeat Ushiwaka!"

Akaashi takes a bite of his onigiri and judgingly look at both of them. 

"I'm not going to survive being with these people." Sakusa grunts. "How do you even live with Bokuto?"

"It's not that hard once you get used to it."

"It doesn't seem like you're used to it though."

Akaashi doesn't say anything because it's the truth.

They're sitting next to each other on Akaashi's bed. Their legs occasionally brush againts each other, and Akaashi can't stop thinking about how cold the other's skin is compared to the sunlight that enters his (their) room. His wings shudder at the irony.

Bokuto sings along with the song he is listening to with his earphones, and Akaashi doesn't see a reason why he needs to wear it if he's gonna be loud anyway. He lets him sing anyway, because filling his room with a voice that glitters gold doesn't irritate him at all.

Akaashi closes his book and turns to Bokuto. "Bokuto-san."

"Yeah?"

Akaashi hugs his pillow while staring at the sunlight that drips like a shower of gold on the wooden floor. "I used to think we're the protagonists of the world. You, me. Everyone in Fukuroudani. But I guess that's not true. Although I want it to be. It's too pretentious to think that the world spins solely for us."

"Whoa. Akaashi, that's so poetic."

"It's not but whatever you say." _If Bokuto thinks that is poetic, what'll he feel when he finds out what I think of him?_

Bokuto takes off his earbuds and stares at the ceiling. "Technically, the world spins for everyone on this planet. So that means it also spins for us too, right?"

"The way you think is too simple." Bokuto laughs and slaps his shoulder. "What's that suppose to mean?"

"It's a compliment." Akaashi insists.

The world may spin for everyone on this planet, but it is a universal fact that the earth orbits for the sun. And Akaashi can't blame it - if Bokuto is literally the sun, then Akaashi will orbit around him too.

He will orbit around the sun, fantasizing of the event that will happen to him once he crashes onto the flames that dance like the ocean waves that he used to admire from afar when he was a child. His hand was held by her mom who pulled him away whenever Akaashi made an attempt to go near the sea as she made him promise to be a good boy. To never do anything that will upset the Gods. And he nodded, because he was expected to do it. And he kept the promise. He didn't do anything remotely bad. He did what was expected for him to do, because he had been taught to do it since he could even remember.

To think that it took only a boy to make him abandon everything. He listens to Bokuto singing again, and numerous amount of rudbeckia hirta blooms in his heart. He slowly closes his eyes, wishing for salvation to come although it's too late already. He grips the book and slowly whispers to his heart. _It's not too late. You haven't even leave the ground yet._ This has happened before. Akaashi won't do the same mistake twice, that's the kind of person he is.

Atsumu takes a big bite from his hamburger and then exclaims, "Y'know, Keiji-kun, you act really similar to my ex senior." Sakusa moves his sit a few centimeters away from him, causing Atsumu to lash out to him. "Omi-Omi, that's mean!" Sakusa glares at him and spat, "You talk with your mouth full."

Bokuto steals Atsumu's fries and then asks, "Which senior? Kita-san? Aran?" "Kita. Not gonna lie, I didn't want to involve with him when I first met him because of it." He looks at Akaashi and then laughs. "Turns out you're kinder than him. Not that much, but it's tolerable to some excent." Akaashi doesn't know what to feel. "Thank you, I guess."

"He's kind right? Of course he is!" Bokuto brags while slapping Akaashi's back. "That hurts." Akaashi complains.

"Why do you sound so proud? This isn't about you." Atsumu growls at the man-child. Bokuto sticks his tongue out and retorts, "I'm his friend, of course I'm proud of him."

  
"Bokuto-san, he just said I'm kind. There's nothing special about it."

Bokuto screeches dramatically. "That's not true! It means I have good taste!" Atsumu sneers. "Oh, so in the end you're proud of yourself, huh."

Atsumu and Bokuto starts to bicker, and Akaashi decides he has no time for it. He continues to eat his meal, trying to calm him heart and stop thinking about what Bokuto said. _He'd say that to everyone, Keiji. It doesn't mean anything._

His attention is on the duo again when his ear catches, "Well, if you have a good taste, then I can't say the same about Keiji-kun though." He looks up from his plate and spots Atsumu looking at him with a shitty grin on his face. It feels like cold water being splashed on his face.

_He doesn't know, right? Of course he doesn't. We only knew each other a few months. Well, almost a year, but it's not even a long time -_

Atsumu smiles wider and raises both of his hands, as if trying to calm him down. "Just kidding. Keiji-kun, you looked like you saw a ghost just now, are you okay?" It's a mocking question. He's mocking Akaashi, but he doesn't have time to feel offended so he replies that he is fine and resumes eating.

"I have to go to the bathroom. Tsum-Tsum, follow me." Atsumu looks at Bokuto as if he grew two heads. "What? Are you a girl? Go on your own." Bokuto shrieks and starts to pull Atsumu's sleeve. "Haven't ya heard a rumour that this restaurant's toilet is haunted? I don't wanna die in a toilet." Akaashi wants to ask if his only problem is the location, but he decides to continue eating.

Sakusa sighs and gets up from his chair. "I'll go with you." Bokuto looks at him with teary eyes and cries out, "What a wonderful man that you are, Omi-sama!" and tries to hug him, but Sakusa avoids it and proceeds to threaten him that if he ever tries to touch him after he gets out of the toilet, he will lock him in the toilet. It earns him a string of promises coming out of the other's mouth.

As soon as they leave the table, Atsumu says, "God, if threatening Bokuto will make him obey me then I would've done that ages ago. Whaddya think?" Akaashi mutters, "I don't think you should."

"Of course you don't." There's the shitty grin again. Akaashi feels like he'll throw up. "Stop that." Atsumu smiles innocently and asks, "Stop what?"

Akaashi glares at him. "You know, I used to find you annoying. And I still do." Atsumu blinks a few times, trying to process what he just heard. "That's.. it? I thought you were going to say you don't wanna talk to me anymore."

"The point is.." Akaashi doesn't know what his point is, but he can't let Atsumu know that so he says the first thing that pops up in his mind. "Stop looking like you know something about me that no one else knows." _I can't deal with this._ He takes his orange juice and drinks it.

"But I do know something."

Akaashi chokes on his beverage and coughs a few times. "What- what? No, you don't. You're impossible. I hate you, you know that right? Stupid Atsumu."

"Oh, wow. You're funny when you're nervous. I should tease you more." Atsumu is enjoying this way too much and Akaashi thinks that maybe he isn't so fond of the setter after all.

Akaashi wipes his mouth and then leans in to Atsumu. "Okay, I'll play with you. What do you, Genius 'Tsumu?"

Atsumu grins at the nickname. "Well, Clueless Keiji, I'd just tell it straight away, but watching you feeling threatened makes me feel so happy."

"You're revolting."

"Thank you very much." The amount of poison in his voice will normally send shivers through his spine, but Akaashi is too far gone to care. All he needs is an answer.

Akaashi takes a deep breathe. "I know what you're doing. You actually don't know anything. This is just an attempt to make me guess what information do you have so that you'll know what my secret is."

He retorts, "That's not true. I'm not that much of a loser!" lies. the nonexistent L in Atsumu stands for liar. Or loser. Both could work.

"Sure." Akaashi finishes his juice and then checks his phone.

"That's it? You're not gonna guess?"

"Why should I? You're lying." He comments while scrolling through his instagram feed. Acting uninterested with this 'game' will drive Atsumu into madness. He will start to feel uneasy and then maybe he'll tell Akaashi the truth. Although Akaashi isn't sure if the last part will happen, he's going to go with this plan because 35 percent chances is still good.

Atsumu puts down his spoon and scowls. "Okay, okay. Wait till I tell Bokkun about your secret." His scowl turns into a big smirk when he notices Akaashi tenses up at the mention of Bokuto. Akaashi decides he isn't so fond of the setter after all.

"So you do know?"

Atsumu laughs. "It's not that hard, you're just too gay." Is that an insult? He feels like that's an insult.

"No one can be too gay. That's like saying someone is too straight, which no one does that."

"Don't worry, Keiji-kun. I'm not homophobic. Just so you know, I'm into men as well." Akaashi's eyes widen at that confession. "You.... are?"

"Yeah. No one really knows cuz I hide it well."

"Oh."

"Does anyone else know you're gay?" Atsumu asks.

"There's someone who knows I like Bokuto-san so yes."

Atsumu mocks, "Bet they found that out cuz you're too gay, right?"

"No." Atsumu raises one of his eyebrows. Akaashi sighs defeatedly. "Yes."

"How long have you like him?"

"since high school."

Atsumu sputters. "High school? Is it senior year?"

Akaashi considers lying, but he doesn't. "Uh.... Junior year..."

"8 years.... You like him for 8 years..."

akaashi nods. "Is it that long? You act like its long."

"Is it that long?" Atsumu mimics him. "Yes, Clueless Keiji. And out of all people, why is it him? Bokkun is so.." Akaashi waits for him to finish his sentence but Atsumu just fakes cough and then says it's nothing.

"It's fine. You can just say that he's annoying."

"Oh, so you do admit that he is."

"No." Akaashi glares at him. "He's just lively."

Atsumu snickers. "I guess you're right."

Akaashi looks at a group of teenagers walking outside the restaurant with a big smile on their face. He smiles softly at the sight and starts to tap his finger on the table. "You know, I entered the same high school as him because I saw him play."

"stalker."

"No. I saw the way he played and I have never seen anyone played in that manner before. I felt like if I entered the same school as his, I'd experience that kind of volleyball too."

"Well, did you?"

He smiles, "Better than what I expected."

"You know..... You should confess."

Akaashi scoffs. "Right."

"I'm serious.

"And what, jeopardising this wonderful friendship? No, thank you."

Atsumu frowns. "Bokkun isn't the kind of person who'll stop being friends with someone just because of that. I'm sure he'll even brag about it like it's the best news he has ever received." akaashi hates how a part of him agrees with Atsumu.

"It's not just about him. I wish it is though." Akaashi says quietly, as if it's a secret. It kind of is, in a way.

Atsumu observes the other's expression, searching for some answer in it. Akaashi stays quiet, because he knows the setter won't find it. And even if he does find it, he feels like it won't change anything for the better or worse.

When the silence feels too unbearable, Akaashi blurts out, "When you get too close to the sun, you burn." He stares at fluorescent light that reflects on his empty glass because he doesn't know where else to look.

"Well," Atsumu professes, "Isn't that the side effect of love?"

Akaashi looks up, but doesn't say anything so Atsumu adds, "When you love, you burn. You'll destroy yourself in the process and the worse part is, most of the time you won't even realise you're burning. But it'll be okay."

"How can you be so sure?"

Atsumu smiles softly, yet there is a glint of sadness in his eyes. "Well, I'm here aren't I?"

There is a brown pot filled with soil at the corner of Akaashi's living room. He doesn't notice it until he comes out of the shower and sees Bokuto waters the plant. "What is that?" Bokuto explains, "Oh, I found this pot in the storage room with packets of seed inside it so I thought, 'why not we plant it?'"

Oh, yeah, that. Akaashi remembers that he once saw rudbeckia hirta seed while he was in a shopping mall so he decides to try and start planting.

However, his busy schedule ended up making him forgot to water the plant on numerous occasion, resulting in the flower dying and all the equipment being put away inside the storage room.

"I don't think we both will have time to water it, though." He complains. "And then who's going to clean up the dead plant?"

Bokuto pouts, "You say that as if we're taking care of a baby. Plus, I won't forget! I will set up a reminder on my phone. I'll even write on sticky notes about it and stick it on the fridge."

Akaashi ponders for a moment and then nods. "Okay, I'm entrusting Susan's life to you."

"Su-Susan?"

Akaashi explains. "The plant is called Black Eyed Susan. You don't know what kind of plant this is?"

"The packet is black. There's no writing on it at all." Oh. Akaashi forgot he had thrown the packaging away. "Plus, why is the name so weird?"

Akaashi shrugs."Don't know. Normally I just call it Rudbeckia Hirta because it sounds less weird. It's the flower's scientific name."

"Rudbeckia.... Oh!" Bokuto exclaims, "We can call it Becky too."

"Like, a middle name?" Bokuto nods, and Akaashi can't help but smile. "Yeah, I guess that works too."

Bokuto turns to the pot and sits in front of it. "Why did you buy this? Is this your favourite plant?"

"I don't really have a favourite plant.." Akaashi rubs the back of his neck. "I just.. like its symbolism." Bokuto turns around and asks, "What does it mean?"

"It symbolises encouragement or motivation." Akaashi sits next to Bokuto. The sunset looks beautiful, but the way the light reflects onto Bokuto's skin makes something inside Akaashi twists and turn at the very sight. He wants to touch him, wants to feel him, wants to kiss him—

Bokuto grins, and Akaashi thinks something inside him explodes. It has to be it. There's no other explanation. "That's beautiful." Akaashi doesn't know what he's talking about. Is it the flower's meaning or the sunset? _Wait, what did we talk about—_

It feels like black cloud have formed over the top of his head. But the radiant smile on Bokuto's face makes him think that whatever it is, it must've been so beautiful. So he mutters, "Yeah, it is."

Bokuto keeps his promise. There are a lot of sticky notes being sticked not only on the fridge, but also at the kitchen cabinet, near the television, the mirror in the toilet. Basically at any random place that's available, he'll stick a note that says 'have you watered Becky? If no, do it now.'

Akaashi is starting to think that they're killing trees at this rate for just a flower. He even occasionally talks to Becky, asking its condition and if its excited to bloom and see the world. When Akaashi confronts him about it, he says, "I read somewhere that if you talk to your plant, they'll grow faster!"

Akaashi starts to talk to the plant about Bokuto when the other isn't at home. Of course, he whispers when he does it because he doesn't want to risk being heard by the neighbours.

"I can't wait for you to bloom." Akaashi hugs his legs close to his chest and leans on the wall. "Maybe then, I'll tell him that he resembles you in a way."

  
Bokuto keeps on pestering him to go on a walk and unwind himself when he notices that Akaashi has been really tense for the past few days. Akaashi believes he has no time for it because he needs to do his work and there's too much - 

Trust Bokuto to always find a way and make Akaashi give up.

They walk at a park near Akaashi's apartment. There are a few people going on a walk, most of them are either with their children or pet.

Akaashi admires the falling cherry blossom. The way it flutters and sways in the air before it reaches the ground makes him feel calm. It makes him wonder if Icarus looks like a falling asteroid when he fell into the sea with his body and wings on fire.

Bokuto stretches his body and then exhales. "Spring is so beautiful. It's a shame that it doesn't last long."

"I know right. There's nothing more calming than cherry blossom."

Bokuto grins. "So are you saying you're feeling better right now?"

Akaashi denies it. "I'm sure I'll feel better without even going here, but sure."

"Boooooo. Just admit it. I'm right."

Akaashi ignores it and comments, "Next time we should picnic here. Before spring ends, I mean."

"Oh. Yeah sure. That's - that sounds good." Is that a blush on Bokuto's face? Akaashi wants to think he's just hallucinating, but it's hard when Bokuto is stuttering like a maiden and the very apparent pink hues on his cheeks.

"Must it be on spring only?" Bokuto asks, and Akaashi decides to not bring up his behaviour just now. 

"I mean, it's not restricted to spring only," Akaashi kicks the stone on the road. "But spring is nicer. We get to look at cherry blossom while eating."

Bokuto laughs. "Is that the only reason?"

"No." Akaashi thinks for a moment before he continues. "The sunlight won't be annoying."

"There'll be no sunlight during winter!"

Akaashi stops himself from face palming. "The snow will be a hindrance."

He hears a hum from the grey haired man. "Fine. I guess spring is the best time for picnic. Plus, I don't really like sun too."

Hah. Ironic.

"Oh god. Google says Rudbeckia Hirta blooms in summer."

Bokuto runs to the living room, with a bewildered looking hair and an even more bewildered looking expression. "THEY WHAT-"

Akaashi shushes him off. "Our walls are thin, Bokuto-san. Don't disturb the neighbour." He shoves his phone screen to Bokuto's face. Bokuto skims through the words.

A brief silence echoes in the apartment before Bokuto turns to Akaashi and asks, "Is there a sun calling ritual?"

"What do you mean? "

"Isn't there like, a small doll that you hang near the window? What's it called again?"

"It's... Teru teru bozu. But hanging it during spring is a useless action."

Bokuto furrows his eyebrows. "You don't know that unless we try."

Akaashi can't believe he's in love with this man.

"I'm sure it'll be okay. Becky will survive." Akaashi tries to reason with him. "Plus, hanging teru teru bozu during this time of the year is useless. Sun won't come out now matter how many dolls we hang."

Bokuto throws himself on the couch and groans. "So Becky won't survive huh.."

Both of them doesn't say anything. Bokuto seems to be thinking about something and well, Akaashi is too. A lot of things appear in his mind and none of them is useful. Suddenly, a seemingly meaningless thought flashes on his mind and it's useless, extremely useless compared to his other thoughts but somehow it passes through the gates of reasoning that he had carefully constructed in his mind ever since he could remember and makes its way out of his mouth.

"What if I say that you're the sun?"

The dripping sound coming from the kitchen sink disappears at the back of his ears. The occasional static noises that comes from their neighbour's television come to a halt. The ticking sound from the obnoxiously red clock in his (their) living room stops so suddenly, one will think it has stopped working. Is his sin far too much that the world is ending?

Bokuto sits up and stares at him like he had said something unusual, which he had. "What?" Oh, the world is not ending yet. Akaashi isn't sure if he's relieved or not.

Akaashi inhales. His nails dig inside his palm and all he can feel is the cold sweat drenching his shirt. Did he accidentally turn his heater into high temperature? He isn't sure.

"I love you." the word love seems far too foreign. It sounds like an overstatement to his ears, although he knows it's the only explanation. "Whenever I look at you, all I see is a star. You're the sun, and you will be my damnation. I think of this every single day, and I think I will still think of it after this moment passes by."

Bokuto's face contorts into an emotion that Akaashi can't decipher. Is it happiness? no. Is he feeling disgusted? certainly no.

The silence feels too deafening. Bokuto doesn't say anything, so Akaashi waits. When he realises the older won't say anything, he exclaims, "You don't have to say anything now. I can wait."

Bokuto shakes his head vigorously and then looks down. "No, no... It's not that..." he laughs softly, "I knew you like me, but love? And I'm your damnation? That's some heavy words you got there. I need to process first."

"It's fine I can wait-" _Wait what?_ "You.... you knew?"

Bokuto grins, "since high school. You're not that good at being subtle, y'know."

Blush creeps up on Akaashi's face. He feels like he has embarrasses himself. "I'm subtler than most people."

"Yeah, you are. I can still read you, though. I don't even know how."

"I... see." Akaashi knows Bokuto is observant of the people around him. Although he won't tell Bokuto that because it's fun trying to see him guess.

Bokuto changes his position to sitting and then rubs the side of his neck. "Hey, Akaashi. Guess what?"

"what?"

The grey haired boy laughs heartily and confesses, "I love you too. Also I'm not sure what damnation means, but I'm pretty sure that's a bad thing. Did I d-"

His lips smashes with bokuto's, and it feels too soft, too kind for it to belong to the sun. He feels Bokuto's arms wrap around his neck, and that's when he realises, Bokuto is never the sun. He is a mortal, same as him. They are not in a Greek mythology setup. Akaashi is kissing a man, and nothing could be more sinful than this. 

Bokuto is not the sun, and Akaashi still wants him. 

He can try and romanticize this very event, which he already did at the back of his head, but in the end, nothing is poetic and beautiful about this.

Almost everything that he romanticizes are never beautiful. It is just a pathetic attempt to comfort his dying soul that never stops to seek beauty in everything. And he is okay with it, but this? Sinful things are meant to be avoided, not admired. 

But when he pulls away and sees the expression on the latter's face, all he can think of is that he wants to pull him in again. And so, he does. His tongue clashes with Bokuto's teeth, and it hurts.

But the taste of faint coffee and the heat of the other's lips encourages him to deepen it. At this very moment, he thinks that maybe Bokuto doesn't need to be the sun to destroy him at all.

He pulls away when he remembers that they need to breathe. He pants, trying to regain all the oxygen he missed out on while never looking away from the man in front of him.

"I don't think I've ever been this close with you before." Akaashi mutters. 

Bokuto blinks, and Akaashi can see clearly the way his eyelashes flutter and how his eyes looks like the gold flakes in goldschläger that his grandfather drank when he visited him last summer.

His grandfather had told him that the gold flakes can make someone drunk faster because it cuts the throat and stomach, which Akaashi can't help but feel concerned of his health when he heard it but now, he feels like looking into Bokuto's eyes at this distance is giving the same effect as the gold flakes did to his grandfather. 

Bokuto buries his face into the crook of his neck. "You're staring." 

Akaashi giggles and straddles him. He feels Bokuto's hands rubbing his back and he is extremely glad that Bokuto isn't looking at him right now, or else he would've seen the red tint on his face.

"Do you wanna go picnic tomorrow?"

He hears Bokuto's breathing suddenly stops for a moment before he answers, "Okay."

Akaashi wakes up and sees two things worth smiling about. His boyfriend in his arms and the Rudbeckia Hirta that blooms proudly in his living room.

He is sure there is a metaphor somewhere in it, but he doesn't have time to think about it when he realises they haven't prepared anything for their picnic. Bokuto laughs it off and tells him that they can just do picnic without food, and no one will believe Akaashi when he tells them that the moment makes him realise that he is glad he burns for him out of everyone he has met. 

Bokuto is nothing like him, and Akaashi can't wait to spend the rest of his life with him.

**Author's Note:**

> i had writer's block until i reread carry on by rainbow rowell so.... this is kinda inspired by it.


End file.
